Stemming the Tide of Divorce – By Bosede Ola-Samuel
The thought for this piece came out of the breakdown of another marriage of an aged couple. I started wondering what could again have led to the divorce action of a marriage that had lasted for so long a period. I thought old wine tasted better — yet, for this marriage of over fifty years, the wine had lost its savoury taste, ending in divorce. I felt that if the couple had made it together for so long, divorce should not have been an option. In wondering about this sad situation, I concluded that the marriage became endangered due to a weak communication link, which was taken for granted over the years.
Communication is Key to Every Relationship: It is one major way of servicing relationships. When a communication link is cut or is weak, and proactive steps are not taken to strengthen it, the relationship gets endangered. Through communication, you reach out to your spouse on your likes and dislikes. When it’s weak or cut off, it makes the survival of the relationship difficult. It is assumed that someone else is taking your space. When communication is lost, the redemption of the relationship is gone. That’s why you see a spouse running away from his or her partner. It’s the easiest way of saying, “I am done with you in this relationship.”
Unfortunately, many married spouses assume that they are communicating effectively, thus they make themselves vulnerable to the tragedy of a weak communication link, culminating in divorce, even in old age. Thus, I decided that strengthening the communication link in marriage should be revisited. Communication involves speech, body language, giving attitude to your spouse, writing letters or sending messages, and eye contact.
What You Communicate About
Your Hurts: Don’t die in silence. Don’t make it difficult for your spouse to speak his or her mind to you on all issues. Nothing should be a ‘no-go area’ of discussion for you or your spouse.
Some persons keep quiet about what they are going through in the marriage, instead of talking to their spouses about it. They don’t want to be misunderstood or offended by them. This is wrong and should be jettisoned by all means. Otherwise, it may eventually lead to divorce, even in old age, or for a marriage of many decades, as witnessed recently. “A stitch in time saves nine” should be relevant here.
Your Sex Life: My husband and I once held a conference during which a couple, married for over forty years, said they had never discussed sex in their marriage. They just rolled by with whatever their experiences were in bed. This is wrong. You should communicate your likes and dislikes about sex to your spouse. Don’t just struggle in silence about your sexual feelings. You should let your spouse know if you are being satisfied in bed or not. Doing so helps you to enjoy a great sex life in your marriage, which helps to keep the spark on in the marriage.
Your Health Status: We lost a senior friend last year to cancer, and it was shocking to know that his wife never got to know about his ill health until it was too late.
Couples should not hide their health status from one another. It speaks volumes on your trust and care for each other when you confide in your spouse about your health status. Men are more prone to hiding their health status, all in the name of being a ‘real man’, a man is not easily broken kind of a thing. This is egoistic.
Finance: A man died and his wife never knew even his phone codes, such that the family could not access his financial information. Some people are neck-deep in debt and their spouses don’t know about it. Many properties, bank accounts, and investments are wasting away because their spouses don’t have the information about them. This is not good at all.
Keeping such secrets from your spouse is not communicating love and trust to him or her. It makes them feel unloved in the marriage and weakens the marital bond, such that divorce is made easy.
Your Temptations: You should communicate your temptations to your spouse. This will strengthen your relationship. I also know that there are spouses who could feel threatened by such, but it is still right to share such information with him or her with wisdom.
I have people who contact me through the Intimacy Column for relationships. I turn them down and bring it to my husband’s notice. He doesn’t feel threatened but makes us be watchful and never lower our guard to protect each other.
Your Dreams and Visions: There should be no ambiguity about what you are engaged in or want to do in the future with your spouse. It should be well spelt out so that both of you can work together on it. It’s essential if you want to have his or her maximum support for it.
Threats to Communication Link
Usually, spouses find it difficult to communicate with each other for a few reasons. Some are cowed into silence by a few attitudes of their partners. This should be looked into if the marriage will not break down. Some of the threats to communication include:
I Don’t Care Attitude: When your spouse’s complaints are not attended to, you are going to get him or her to close up, thus ruining the communication link between you. With time, you will lose that link. You should care about whatever issues he or she raises with you and address same.
Taking Issues Discussed for Granted: That is “you are hurting me”, yet you keep at it. You don’t explain issues away when raised. You don’t take it for granted that he or she can’t do anything about it. You may be leading him or her into withdrawal mode.
Constantly Postponing Discussions: I’m in the middle of something now. We can discuss it later today. I’m tired, honey, let’s do it tomorrow.
Lack of a Listening Ear: You only issue commands without being ready to hear your spouse out.
Threatening Comments: Comments like “I will deal with you”, “Don’t ever raise that issue with me again”, “You can opt out if you can’t cope with me”, etc. are things you do to put your marital communication in jeopardy.
Know-it-all Attitude: When you constantly present a picture of knowing everything, you will cause your spouse to stop talking to you on so many issues. Stop giving him or her the impression that you don’t need contributions or advice from him or her.
Shutting Down Your Spouse: Anytime he or she raises an issue with you, you just get angry, and shout at him or her. It’s like you hate hearing his or her voice. It could be that your mind is made up on the issues involved, so you don’t want to hear anything from him or her that will make you change your mind. No room for a second opinion. Hence, the shutdown posture.
You have to take action before it is too late when the communication link is being cut off. Signs that communication links are fast being lost are being moody, monosyllable responses, ignoring comments, etc.
All the above should be well noted, understood, and not taken for granted in the marital journey if divorce will be kept at bay.
