Dealing With Marital Abuse – By Bosede Ola-Samuel
Domestic violence, which is a prominent aspect of marital abuse, is fast becoming a recurring decimal. It’s something that we must not treat with kid gloves. That’s why I am returning to it this week, and probably the next two weeks as we round up the year 2024.
I was provoked to do this because of what I read about what the Emir of Kano, Sanusi SL, reportedly said a week or two ago. He was reported to have said that he would slap any daughter of his who came to report that her husband slapped her without her returning the slap. As if that was not enough, the husband of a dearest sister of mine, just two days ago, violently inflicted injury on her body. These two incidents informed my decision to give consideration to the issue of marital abuse again, so as to make sanity prevail in abusive marriage as much as possible. My heart bleeds for the abused.
An abusive marriage shouldn’t be wished even for an adversary. It comes in various shades and versions. It’s something I don’t like to think about at all, because it stirs up emotions in me. Though, very common with men being the abuser, a few cases end up with the wives as the abuser. Whichever way, it’s not good for our society, and it must be fought to a standstill.
Abusive, by definition, means to treat someone badly by coarse, insulting words or other maltreatment─ vituperative, reproachful, scurrilous. It involves being physically or emotionally injurious; characterised by repeated violence or other abuse. For the marriage institution, an abuse is characterised by a bad treatment of a spouse in all respect and manner of physical, s3xual and emotional torture. It’s a scary situation that leaves lasting damaging effects on the abused which may culminate in death if there is no timely intervention. This is why it should be a source of serious concern for all.
Traits of An Abusive Marriage
These tell you that a marriage is abusive in nature. Whenever a marriage evidences any or all of the following traits, it’s suffering from an abuse.
Isolation of a spouse. One spouse is isolated from friends, family members, and neighbours. No visitors, no phone calls or outing by the abused. When this is noticed about a marriage, those around, family members and friends must do more than paying a lip service to the situation.
Secrecy. This means information about the family is gagged. The abused is prohibited from talking to anyone, including her siblings and parents, about the affairs of the marriage or family. So, it’s difficult to know what goes on in the marriage. It thrives under the notion, “Let’s keep our secrets, secret.”
Physical hurts or bruises. One common way to identify an abusive marriage is physical scars. You notice that the abused, usually the wives, have bloodshot eyes, bruises on the face, broken lips, and the like. When you make enquiry, the answer is very similar: A fall in the bathroom or the staircase, a collision with the door, etc. In reality, the common hidden reason is a physical assault on the wife by her husband. Many at times, we have ignored such signs or swallowed the proffered reasons to the detriment of the abused. This must not be allowed henceforth.
Irrational or weird behavior. Putting words into the mouth of the spouse, living in perpetual fear of the spouse, jittery in or incoherent speech. These should trigger anyone’s curiosity about an abusive marriage.
These are just some of the pointers to an abusive marriage. We must watch out for more and be our neighbour’s keeper. Lives can be saved and destiny salvaged through such an intervention.
Weapons of The Abuser
For an abusive marriage to thrive, the abuser usually employs the following weapons:
Intimidation: It means to make someone afraid. Fear is created in the heart of someone. You make one feel weaker and unable to withstand someone or something. The purpose and the intent of intimidation is to dominate and control someone for a selfish advantage. In an abusive marriage, fear is created in the abused to dominate him or her, to make him or her dance to one’s tune. That’s why the abused scarcely talks to another person of his or her situation in the marriage.
Control: To dictate to someone what to do or not. It’s like issuing a command that must not be disobeyed. This makes the abused vulnerable without going beyond the dictates of the abuser.
Manipulation: This is the act of exerting undue influence on someone to gain control over him or her for one’s selfish advantage. Manipulation plays on the mind of someone so as to make him or her subjective to the ways and manners of the abuser. In marriage, the abused is influenced in such a way as to obey and accept any position or proposal presented by the abuser. It usually presents false narratives about people, events and situations.
Threats of Physical And Emotional Torture: This is a major weapon of the abuser. It threatens dire consequences for the abused if he or she doesn’t abide by the instructions or wishes of the abuser. Such threats are usually executed at the slightest opportunity to achieve the aim of the abuser.
All these are simply to keep the abused traumatised in such a way to prevent her from reaching out to others for help. It takes the advantage of the weaknesses of the abused in terms of blind love, poor family background, previous bad experiences to traumatise her in most cases. These make the abused unable to stand up to the abuser. It’s a terrible situation that is unpalatable. We must all be armed to recognise an abusive marriage, as well as be able to confront it headlong, to save vulnerable partners. In terms of the agony or even death, in the worst scenario.
We will conclude on steps to take to deal with the monster called the abusive marriage in the next write-up.
You can avail yourself of copies of my books ‘Enjoying Great S3x Life’ and How To Help Your Wife Enjoy S3x’. Contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.
READ ALSO: Dealing With Emotional Abuse In Marriage
