Five Intentional Skills for a Great Marriage – By Bosede Ola-Samuel
This is the beginning of a New Year, and many decisions are being made about many aspects of the individual life and the nation. One such aspect is the family, which has its roots in marriage. So, each of us must make up our minds to enjoy a great marriage and help others enjoy it. If we achieve this, we will have a better society, since the family is the building blocks of society. If we build the family well, we will have a great society. The impact of family life on society cannot be overemphasised. Therefore, it’s my conviction that we raise good families for our society by building great marriages.
So, topmost on our plan for this year should be working on enjoying a great marriage. To achieve this, I will be sharing five skills that we must deploy for that purpose.
Before sharing these skills, let me state that we must be intentional about them ─ otherwise, our plans will end up as a mirage. That is, we must not only have plans ─ we must also work the plans. Doing so is being intentional about enjoying a great marriage.
Intentional skills for Enjoying a Great Marriage.
Financial Skill
Make money available through the marriage for the family. One of the staying power of marriage is money. Generally, where money is lacking, progress is in jeopardy. Even to preach the gospel, money is what oils it wheels. That’s why there is a saying that any meeting held without serious financial considerations will soon scatter. It’s only a matter of time.
I have seen the evil that lack of money has done to many marriages ─ cheating, betrayal, divorce, etc. So, if you must enjoy a great marriage, you must be intentional about making money available in your marriage. As a man, who has the headship role of being the husband, you must not shy away from your financial responsibility. The wife is also expected to support her husband in this wise.
Without money, the lifespan of a marriage can be endangered. I can relate to this from personal experience as well as experiences gathered from my marriage counselling engagements. A woman cannot survive in a marriage without average financial stability. She will still be able to cope if she has her own money to spend on the family. She averagely will bear with her husband, even if with little excesses. But, what she detests is chronic financial lack, which makes her loyalty seriously tested.
I have written in this column before on ‘Securing your marriage from financial inadequacy’. Below is an excerpt from it that is relevant to this financial skill: “When a marriage lacks adequate financial provision, the following things happen:
*Both The Husband and Wife are on the Edge. The wife is on the edge because she is the one who bears the pressure of managing what is available. As we know, when resources are inadequate, critical planning is required. Adequate resources make planning easy. You get your materials in bulk and save yourself the stress of frequenting the market. All these take their toll on the wife. So, she gets touchy and starts nagging at her husband.
The how or when this happens depends on the temperament of the wife. The longer the inadequate financial situation persists, the worse the nagging from the wife, no matter her type of temperament trait.
I found myself in this years ago, and my mentor counselled us to be intentional towards getting out of the situation as quickly as possible. We did, and today we have a stronger marriage.
For the husband, he is also under intense pressure of the failure to make enough money available in the marriage. This guilt brings enough weight to his heart, and when the nagging starts, it causes his heart to break. At this point, his maturity and temperament traits come into play to manage the tension. The outcome will be a make or mar affair ─ make, if properly managed; and mar if otherwise.
*Holidays and Recreational Outings become near impossible. When the stomach is empty, the major concern will be how to fill it, rather than spending money for relaxation.
*The love language of gift items is relegated to the background, especially for the husband. The wife, being a love-being, may still be able to cope. But, for the man, his thinking will be full of how to foot all the bills staring him in the face.
*Important dates in the family, such as wedding anniversaries, birthdays of the couple, and the children become frequently forgotten. It takes deliberate effort and maturity for a husband to remember these dates. Or, even if he remembers, he may pretend not to, since he is expected to foot the associated bills.
*Faults become difficult to overlook. What you will ordinarily not lay to heart becomes an easy and frequent point of reference.
*Sexual temptation becomes easy to yield to in the face of hunger. It is not a question of being interested ─ rather, it is a question of being lured into it. As a wife, you need to keep the standard of fidelity very high in the face of financial inadequacy. You must realise that there is a thin line between sliding in and staying afloat. There is a very good chance you might be easily tempted at such a time. That is why couples must be intentional about increasing their financial capacity regularly.
I have engaged many couples in conflicts due to inadequate finances and can say categorically that the threat or the temptation of the bad sides stated above is real. It takes wisdom and maturity to overcome such circumstances.
So, let us be intentional about making money available for the family this year and beyond.
Make Communication Effective
A great source of conflicts in marriage is poor communication. It’s not just a thing about marriage, but a general thing in our society. We are poor in communication. That’s why we hear husbands say “See the way you are talking to me,” and the wives will retort to “How am I supposed to talk to you?”
Not only this. We are also poor in communicating our love, hurt, disapproval, and behaviours. We must therefore be intentional to learn communication skills if we desire, and are determined, to enjoy a great marriage. Fortunately, this is the best time of the year to push for it.
Make Sexual Fulfilment a Priority.
In times of dwindling family funding, there is a tendency for s3x to take the back seat in marriage. As someone said: “A hungry stomach does not easily make allowance for 3.” A hungry man is an angry man. Sex will not flow easily in times of crisis.
So, each couple must be intentional to engage in s3x. They should encourage each other to be s3xually active in this period of crisis. One of the benefits of s3x is to relieve stress. So, couples must take the stress off by engaging in great s3x. It is time for couples to give each other great s3x treatment to prevent a breakdown of their health.
Create Boundaries With The Opposite Sex.
For a couple to enjoy a great marriage, the threat of marital infidelity must be eliminated. As I have observed in some of my write-ups in this column and elsewhere, infidelity has become procurable for “three a kobo” these days. Thus, marital trust has become greatly eroded. It is therefore important for married couples to put measures in place that will help us to stay afloat on the river of infidelity. That’s where boundary measures become relevant.
Relationships with the opposite sex must be conducted in the open. Never make yourself vulnerable to infidelity by keeping lonely locations of cars, buildings, outings, etc. with the opposite sex, other than your spouse. It’s the best way to stay afloat and swim against the tide. The “very elect” are also getting trapped these days. Therefore, we must set boundaries intentionally. This is where our victory lies.
Cultivate and Grow Friendships in the Marriage.
Increased friendly behaviour is needed for a great marriage. “What are friends for” is a popular saying. Friendship should be taken full advantage of, especially during this period of economic hardship. Couples must deliberately befriend each other in times like this. This becomes easier if friendship skills have been learnt by them before now. Couples must be deliberate in their friendship mode activation. Friends stick together for fun, burden-bearing, celebrations, etc.
All these are needed in the marriage, if it’s going to be enjoyed and not endured. This becomes easier if you get married to your friend. Otherwise, it will take a great effort to cultivate friendship in a marriage cultivated outside friendship.
Conclusively, these skills can generally be learned. Let us therefore pay the price to acquire them. This is what being intentional about them means.
I pray that this year, we will enjoy a great marriage.
Happy New Year.
