Here To Kill, Steal and Destroy – By Funke Egbemode
I was around a meeting in a North Western state where some politicians were swigging stories of the sacrifices that they carried and rituals performed to win party primaries and elections. I heard very dark things that some aspirants and candidates do with the posters of other candidates that they tear off walls. Until then, I thought posters were torn off just to reduce the visibility of targeted candidates. Oh no, there are other horrible things they do with campaign materials. Rituals that involve Muslim and Christian Clerics left me almost in tears. I kept my eyes on my phone disinterestedly as I soaked in the terrifying details.
The stories were personal experiences of the people who told them, their regrets and the lessons they learned.
Nigerian politicians’ love for Nigeria is very deep, don’t you think? It is intense and intentional. What they see, only they see it. What they want is what they want and that is why they are always sure they will get it. Even when the rest of us can see that a politician is heading for a colossal loss at the polls, he trudges on with such sure-footedness only he can explain. Isn’t that why they are called incurable optimists? You should see them on the campaign trail, dancing and boasting, waving banners and weaving words with confidence only they feel. Somehow, they believe the claps and cheers of their paid audience, and they definitely love the sound of their own voices.
But let me not stray too far. Today is not just about the clappers who were paid for clapping or the promises politicians make that they knew they would not keep for many reasons.
I am also concerned about what they do to get into office and if former governor and minister Rotimi Amaechi took their names in vain. What do politicians do when and after they land on their butts with resounding thuds or on their faces in mud and slime?
First, a defeated Nigerian politician rarely accepts defeat. As he rubs his hurting buttocks with one hand or wipes the shame and mud off his face with the other, he grabs the microphone to blame everybody and everything for his loss. He was robbed. His votes were stolen. The system was rigged. Everyone is to be blamed. Not him, never him.
There is only one seat to be won, then 10 candidates emerge and somehow, they all are convinced they will win. How? Ten winners of one office? The blame game season is even constitution-backed. Ask the lawyers. One day, the Nigerian Bar Association will tell us what juju they use that makes politicians hurl their hurting buttocks into lawyers’ offices instead of going home to their loved ones, to be massaged with hot ointment.
Moving forward, straight out of the blame-game season, buttocks and faces no longer hurting, the Nigerian politician starts peering into the future again, first tentatively, then in no time at all, he is set to throw his cap into the ring again. That is when you start seeing news headlines like: South-South Coalition set for next election; North leaders plan coalition; etc.
It’s that time on the political calendar again and politicians have not disappointed. Their buttocks are no longer painful. They have recovered from the pains of the robbery and rigging and they are raring to go. As usual, they are singing the right songs, reciting their old lines.
They are worried about the country.
Nigeria is drifting.
The country is poorer than ever.
Nigerians are suffering.
This present crops of leaders are mean and meandering.
We made a mistake electing them.
They stole their way into office.
We must route and erase them.
We must form a coalition and rescue the country.
These politicians have been rescuing us every four years, so how come we don’t feel rescued?
These men who love us and have started addressing the media and holding world press conferences to discuss the state of the nation, why don’t Nigerians feel loved?
Perhaps, it’s more about lust and rape than love and care. Or is it a one-winged flight? You know the type where a man rushes his woman into bed and without her ‘participation’, he moans his way into cloud seven?
They, yeah, our loving politicians are already meeting and planning new coalitions ahead of 2027. They are ‘determined to right the present wrongs’ and we will believe them if we are fools. Didn’t they mouth all that before our very before on the campaign trail all through to the last election day? I actually believed, that for instance, that more Labour Party legislators at the National Assembly would mean a more vibrant legislature. But what happened as soon as the smell of ‘tear-rubber’ vehicles suffused the atmosphere? Everybody got intoxicated. The party line blurred, then disappeared altogether. The young and new legislators have quickly, smoothly learned how to wash their hands and are now eating with the elders. Of course, they cannot talk with their mouths full. Who no like better thing? Who will speak against brand new cars, least of all, reject them? Who will refuse to eat when the food is free? So full-mouthed, tummies bulging, these people we thought would make a difference have turned their backs on the people they promised to serve and they have continued eating.
Have you seen the speed of decamping and cross-carpeting? The ones that are not shocking are embarrassing. All the fast-talking men who took on APC and used it as chewing sticks have now gone back to the party on bended knees, cap in hand, tails in between their legs, to ask to use the leftover chewing sticks. The once-upon-a-time champions of ideologies are now struggling to join the bad party. Everybody is now in APC, right? To further show their love, these loving politicians have commenced the familiar routine of calling on well-meaning Nigerians to start another rescue mission. It is at a time like this I wish I inherited the powers to summon Sango (the god of thunder) to do unto Nigeria’s unfaithful politicians what pepper does to the eyes.
But how many of them will Amadioha burn? Here’s a special breed that has an uncanny way of reproducing faster than rabbits or pigs. Worst still, they have perfected the art of manipulating their ways into our hearts and heads. However, one worse part of it all is the way Nigeria keeps believing them, falling for the same sweet smooth ‘toasting’ and then turning around to complain about the rape and assault on our national psyche and economy.
I bet some people, not many, were shocked at the recent statement by the Former Governor of Rivers State and Former Minister of Transportation, Rotimi Amaechi. ‘The politicians in Nigeria are there to steal, to maim, to kill and to remain in power’. Now, that sounds like an adjusted quote from the Bible. Check John 10:10 ‘The thief comes only to steal, to kill and destroy….’
Amaechi is a Christian and a politician. He definitely knows what he was saying. And believe me, politicians are single-minded, clear-eyed about that they want, and killing, stealing and destroying to get into office and staying there forever is no big deal. That does not mean all politicians are mean. Quite a few of them are neat. Those ones, however, do not last in office or in politics. As soon as they are presented the first ‘kill, steal and maim’ tray, the clean guys backtrack and run back to their businesses and or careers. Unfortunately, those ones are the people we need, the ones who would have made a difference and turn things around for our country. Sadly, very sadly, the ones that have ruined us and continue to ruin us are the ones who won’t go away.
Here’s how they describe themselves:
“I have been in politics for 40 years. ”
“I am a Professional Politician .”
“Politics is all I do.”
“We have no other business apart from politics”
Is politics not supposed to be about service? Is it supposed to be a source of income? Is it not supposed to be about public service? Aren’t public servants supposed to retire?
The answer is simple. It is only in Nigerian politics and public service that there is endless free money.
Tell me in which other sector of the Nigerian economy you see the kind of money you see in politics. Brand new 70th Anniversary Toyota Prado, latest edition of Lexus, Land cruiser, and salaries the earners are afraid to disclose. Luxury trips that fetch you and me nothing. Meetings all over the world that bring us no meat.
Tell me why the politician would want to return to a normal life where he has to buy ‘Tokunbo’ cars on credit. Right now, his wife is treated like royalty, his daughter like a princess. The ‘rankadede’ and ‘all right sir’ gangs intoxicate him like opium. Special travel passports with security details paid for by unprotected taxpayers’ sweat. Compare the hardworking school teacher and his friend who started his ‘career’ in politics as a local government councillor. Measure their financial comforts when the teacher is promoted a headmaster and the councillor becomes a ‘honourable member of the House’. Then compare the lives the Honourable and the Headmaster have touched. You are shaking your head? That’s why the politician is willing to steal, kill and destroy and unwilling to ‘let go of power’. It is too sure. The hidden wealth a political office holder comes into as soon as he assumes office is only comparable to that of a Yahoo or Yahoo Plus boy. Can you imagine?
Consider this too. A man wants to go and serve his community at the Nigerian Senate. He volunteers himself. Nobody asked for his service. He printed posters, started taking chieftaincy titles and donating money, food, even cars. He sold three choice properties to realize his ambition to ‘serve his people’. He gives them money so he can serve them. He buys school uniforms for their children so he can serve them. He works hard, and spends even harder. He wins. Now he’s a ‘Distinguished Senator’ in Abuja, making laws, doing oversight functions, but his community people that he’s supposed to be serving are grumbling that they cannot reach him. Reach him for what? He is recouping his investment and getting ready for second term. Don’t ask me what he’s buying and selling in Abuja. He is just richer. Don’t ask me if he steals, kills and destroys.
Just remember that the colourful season is here again. The politicians will do what they know how to do to stay in power and that includes everything. They will kill and destroy reputations. They will steal other people’s ambitions. They will form coalitions. They will lie through their teeth. They will grieve God, embarrass their parents, shame and shock their brethren, all in the name of love for you and me. They know where they are going and they are not taking us along.
Email: egbemode3@gmail.com
